Grow Through It

It's past bedtime for most working men. It's not unbearably late and I have no appointments tomorrow morning so I sit here and contemplate. Contemplate what? Well, what do I always contemplate? Life, the concept of God, the meaning of life, what's happening in society, and my next step in my own journey; there really is a lot to consider or, more aptly put, more that one can consider. I speak of being in the moment, staying present and not worrying. You are more effective in that place. Yet, there are times for reflection.

Reflecting gives me the opportunity to check-in with the events of the past week. The conversations and people I've met. Along with that there is the recollection of the impact I made or they made during our exchange. This includes what may come from the relationship. Sadly, there are those people whose impact may have been negative. During the exchange there are attempts at honest communication and I'm saddened by the lack of insight they may possess; I am thinking of a particular incident. Friendship is a fickle thing.

I'm astonished by the mistakes we make as adults: Mistakes about our own beliefs and how that impacts others; Mistakes about relationship choices just because we feel ourselves getting older and perceive that to mean we're running out of time; Mistakes of judging others before we've even had the opportunity to give a friendship or relationship a chance. One encounter with someone rarely scratches the surface and most issues people have in an exchange are their own issues. Chances are you're seeing a reflection of yourself.

I've had to learn that a long time ago now. Many beliefs and attitudes I encountered that butted heads with me were typically a fairly representative reality of my own making, not theirs. What I would see is what I expected to see based upon previous encounters with other people. Little triggers would set me off, thinking about a past event, letting it taint the current potential for a new relationship. After shutting so many people out, I finally took stock and began to challenge myself to see past those initial encounters.

Most often, when we present ourselves to a new person, our strategy is to adopt a mask of conduct that we have become comfortable and safe with when dealing with people we don't know or want to keep at a safe distance. Too often in the past we presented our most authentic self while growing up and had our trust betrayed. Or, we've been schooled by parents, teachers, friends that we should always be on our guard. I've found little reason to continue the charade.

While I will speak more freely about certain topics initially, I bring my truest nature into the relationship immediately. I speak openly about matters of the heart, matters of the spirit based upon my own experiences, and many other unusual topics of life and relationships. It troubles me to be in conversations with people who are guarded and anxious, as though they had something to hide, to protect, or suggest that I'm untrustworthy. To give trust is to be trustworthy.

In opening myself up to be vulnerable, I demonstrate trust and that I am trustworthy. This was affirmed on Saturday morning over coffee with a woman that I had only just met. We met to discuss aspects of her life that she would like improved. For two hours nothing was spoken about her situation. I discussed many aspects of my life, trials and tribulations, relationships, work, and beliefs. Towards the end of our time together, she said she trusted me completely. It was about who I was being with her that gave her this security and permission to be authentic. Others won't go there.

Another woman with whom I spent even more time, continuing to be the same man I always am, has failed to find me trustworthy. Yet I behaved the same and was my authentic self and opened up about much of my life and such as I did on Saturday. She opened up herself, usually about one or two topics, and yet she was caught up in a belief system that didn't allow her to trust herself with certain people. Based upon an initial impression, not of the person but of a stereotype she holds, I am lumped into a category of the type of person that can cause her to give up her power. That is such a revealing statement.

After communicating this to me, understanding why she has this issue, I am unable to respond in a way that will allow her to hear the truth. The filter is already in place and everything said will be heard from that perspective. Not from a place of impartial judgment, instead it is heard from a biased judgment. We did speak about that issue but rather than challenge her, I had to talk about me from that context. I don't know if she will see what I see. If she gives up her power in context with certain people, then how is her relationship with herself? Does she trust herself?

We are complex and we are wise to be careful with whom we trust. I agree with that but at the same time, can you be so overly cautious that you no longer learn anything about yourself, your power, and how you can improve your circumstances when dealing with other people? Challenges are given to us to rise up and grow. When a problem shows up, you go through it. Or, like my grandfather would have said, "You grow through it."

Not all powerful personalities are interested in controlling other people. I'd say the majority of us are happy with who we are and are just enthused by the exchange with other human beings. We don't want your power, we want you to engage in a relationship that challenges and empowers. The questions I'm left with:

  • "Why are you afraid?
  • "Who are you really afraid of?
  • "So what is it that you really want?

Lee Down is a Professional Coach, Trainer/Facilitator, Speaker, & Writer of One Man Can Human Capital Development that focuses on relationships, the key foundation to success in business and life. With more than 15 years professional experience and a thirst for truth and understanding, he focuses on the human spirit and human capacity.

Working with clients, he facilitates the breaking down of beliefs, barriers or obstacles that bring clients forward on their journey of discovery with spirit, energy, abundance, passion and purpose, integrating the mind and body experience. Working with business, he brings visionary leadership and relationship skills to the forefront that witnesses an empowered culture evolve and develop directly impacting the improvement to the bottom-line.

More Resources

Unable to open RSS Feed $XMLfilename with error HTTP ERROR: 404, exiting

More Coaching Information:

Related Articles

You Are Never Trapped!
"The meaning of life is that it stops." -Franz Kafka (1883-1924)A good friend of mine graduated from Boston University Law School.
The Amazing Secret To Ridding Yourself Of Self Consciousness
One of the biggest challenges to developing superior communication skills is that you already have your hands full in those situations where you need help. Take a typical scenario - meeting new people.
Coaching Can Help Teachers At A Crossroads In Their Careers
Teachers enter the profession with the desire to help others, but after years in the field it can lose its luster. If it's no longer offering satisfaction the way it once did find out how you can get the joy back.
What Is Executive Presence?
Often our clients refer someone to us for Executive Coaching with a glowing description such as "This is one of our most valued and brilliant employees ?. But ?.
Successful Implementation of Company Wide Coaching Programmes
Ten years ago I was fortunate enough to be heavily involved in the implementation of a company wide coaching programme, both as an employee who was to receive coaching but also as a manager and coach who was expected to regular coach my reports and my peers to enable them to achieve their objectives. I say, fortunate enough, because I found that when I was coached effectively I became really motivated and focused, and when I finally became a proficient coach, I again found it motivational in that I was able to support and enable my direct reports to achieve more.
Do You Trust Your Mentor(s)?
It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust." - Samuel JohnsonI was on a tele-seminar recently with International Health Coach Jeremy Likness and he asked a very interesting question about Trust.
Run to Win
I was never much of an athlete growing up. Notoriously clumsy, I was ostracized by our school volleyball and basketball teams.
The Harvest: Shared Power
The fall harvest comes upon us once a year. The farmers collect the sometimes-scant rewards of their heroic efforts begun months before.
Mentors and Coaches: How to Find a Great Mentor
A career coach or mentor is a person who can guide you with the benefit of their experience. He or she may be someone more senior from within your organisation or someone external to your organisation who has been successful in the field or skills you want to develop.
How To Overcome Stuck States In Personal Growth
Although many of us use self-help tools like affirmations, visualizations, NLP techniques, and spiritual invocations, we sometimes find that nothing happens. This, to say the least, is disheartening.
Personal Development Profiles
Personal development profiles, also known as personality profiles, are a tool I frequently use before starting a course of coaching with a client. The client answers a series of questions about preferred behaviour styles and their responses generate a report which outlines their strengths, areas for improvement, blind spots, their contribution to the team, ways they could improve their communication and how to deal with challenging people.
Do You Want to Impress Others? Then Don't Talk ?Listen
Recently my friend Michelle was concerned about a professional conference she was planning to attend with her husband, a veterinarian. She has no background in veterinary science, so she did not think she would be able to effectively communicate with the people at the conference.
Relaxation Couldnt Be Simpler
Many people use their sofa and TV to help them 'switch off and relax'. In reality, television programs can suspend you n stress for yours, with depressing or thrilling storylines, violence and madness!True relaxation is achieved when all tensions and thoughts are eliminated.
Nourishing Your Network
It takes less effort to keep an existing customer than to gain a new customer.This is Business 101.
Your Personal Treasure Chest
Sometimes it is helpful to review several of the basic components of THE ENCHANTED SELF. That's what I've decided to do this time.
Parts that Make the Whole? or Not
There are many parts that make up you.There's the Musical You, the Friendly You, the Amazing You, the Genius You, the Calm You, the Peaceful You, and many more parts that make up who you are - much like an identity check list:All round good guy/gal part - checkUniquely amazing you part - checkWitty and intelligent part - checkLovable and charming part - checkMoody and indecisive part - who me??? Never?Selfish and greedy part - not me! Never?Self opinionated - Nope, not me! Never?We all have wonderful attributes; we also have parts not so wonderful which we'd rather keep hidden but really, it's okay to acknowledge we have both.
Leadership Coaching - Easier Said Than done
Recently at a Pharmaceutical meeting in Europe, one of the presenters shared the results of a recent study that demonstrated that Managers who were trained in Eight Step Coaching Skills were out selling DM's who were not trained in the program. This quantitative data seems to support that the cornerstone of success lies in effective leadership coaching and diagnosing the needs of the Representatives.
How To Increase Your Coaching Record By At Least 25%
"How can I become a better and more effective coach?" We hear this question frequently and there's obviously more than one answer. Today, let's explore one aspect of better coaching.
Why Things Are The Way They Are
Things are the way you think they are, because you think they are that way. An interesting statement I know, but let's break it down a bit if you will, and see what this Really means.
Listening Skills In Relationships
Recently, when out to dinner with another couple, my husband is surprised at what someone says about one of our neighbors. He even comments this to the person about his amazement.