Marriage & Wedding Information

Write An Apology To Your Spouse: How to Apologize In a Way That Really Works For You


Being apologetic doesn't come easily for me. Unfortunately, being inconsiderate and self-centered does. So I realized long ago that my marital survival would depend on two things: 1) learning to apologize and 2) becoming less selfish and more considerate.

It was easier to start with apologies. Over time I got better and better at learning how to apologize. I was amazed at the effect.

First, it was the basic mumbling of, "I'm sorry." Those two words were remarkable in healing bruised feelings. It was as if I had a license to do what I wanted-- as long as I looked sincere and said, "I'm sorry." It was like having a "Get out of jail free" Monopoly card.

When my apology failed to produce the desired results, I spruced it up. I would put my apology in a tuxedo, and my wife would be so grateful that I would get another reprieve.

Given my personality, I had lots of opportunity to practice making apologies. Ultimately I created a formula. It's for the bigger offenses or for smaller offenses that you have repeated so often they've created a lot of tension with your spouse.

Five Step Formula For a Really Good Apology

1. Describe your offense. This is necessary so your partner knows exactly what you're apologizing for.

2. Describe what you think is the effect on your partner. This display of empathy is comforting to the other person.

3. Describe why you did what you did. This reassures your spouse that you're on top of the problem and reduces their need to nag you about it.

4. Describe why you're interested in changing the offensive behavior. This demonstrates an understanding of the big picture that as couple you're a team.

5. Describe a self imposed penalty for not changing. This one is the clincher. Think of an appropriate penalty for your offensive behavior, and tell it to your spouse. Tell them that if you don't change you will impose the penalty on yourself. This reassures them that you mean business.

I encourage people to write their apology. Writing it out first or writing it and then giving it to your mate has several advantages:

1. You can collect and refine your thoughts. It is very difficult to think through an apology on the fly, especially if your angry partner is on the offensive.

2. You will be heard all the way through. Nobody will interrupt and start yelling at a spouse when they are reading an apology.

3. You avoid the hostile questions that often interrupt you when you start speaking the apology. These negative questions have the nasty effect of derailing your good intentions and then you just have another argument which demands another apology.

4. You avoid the raised eyebrows and squinting eyes during the apology which just derail you again. (See the last sentence in number 3.)

5. It looks like you have given this some serious thought (which might even be true).

6. You don't have to sleep on the couch tonight.

Putting It All Together

1. Honey, I've been thinking about your comments that I don't follow through consistently when I say I'll do something. I apologize for that.

2. Being inconsistent means you can never be sure whether I will follow through or not. I imagine it keeps you on edge and wondering if you should "remind" me or not. If you don't speak up you run the risk that I won't follow through and then it is too late to take corrective action. If you do speak up, you run the risk of coming across like a nag.

3. I hate to admit it, but when I agree to something, sometimes it's just to get you off my back. I think, "well, I'll do it if I get time." But if it's something I really don't want to do, often I simply don't make the time. I'm also unreliable when my priorities collide with yours--and my priorities too often prevail. This means I really haven't thought much about us being a true team where we can each count on the other to follow through.

4. I actually have some interest in improving my reliability. I would feel more aligned with my higher intentions about being a good partner, and we could probably have more fun together.

5. Finally, I want you to get off my back as a policeman to make sure I follow through. Both of us will feel better about that. So when I don't follow through or give you a timely warning (stuff does happen) then I will work on cleaning the garage the following weekend for at least two hours every time I blow it.

May all your apologies be little ones.

For more than 20 years, Peter Pearson, Ph.D. has specialized in helping couples transform their relationships. He and his wife, Dr. Ellyn Bader, are founders and directors of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA. Authors, speakers, and therapists, they have been featured on over 50 radio and television programs including "The Today Show" and "CBS Early Morning News." Their book, "Tell Me No Lies," includes some helpful insights about apologies. For more information or to order, visit The Couples Institute.


MORE RESOURCES:

03/27/2024
10 Wedding Tuxedo Styles from Friar Tux Las Vegas
Mplace EmeraldatQR Spectacularweddings 567

10 Wedding Tuxedo Styles curated by our friends at Friar Tux Las Vegas We often make a big fuss about the Bride and her endless options in fashion but this is a day for a groom to feel special too. Our Friends at Friar tux have incredible options to suit your day (Pun intended.) Lets

The post 10 Wedding Tuxedo Styles from Friar Tux Las Vegas appeared first on Bridal Spectacular.



more info


02/19/2024
Emily and Rob’s Blush and Burgundy wedding in Las Vegas
Emily and Rob walk triumphantly out of their wedding as their guests wave sparklers for their departure as husband and wife.

A Blush and Burgundy Wedding is a romantic choice for an outdoor Las Vegas Wedding Emily and Rob joined their lives with a stunning blush and burgundy wedding ceremony and reception at Emerald at Queensridge in Las Vegas. From the red rose petals down the ceremony path to the opulent indoor reception the details of

The post Emily and Rob’s Blush and Burgundy wedding in Las Vegas appeared first on Bridal Spectacular.



more info


02/15/2024
Black and White Wedding Styled Shoot captured by LuxLife Las Vegas
Black and White Wedding decor. What a space to celebrate your nuptials. A canopy twinkling lights over the dance floor are a perfect space for your first dance surrounded by your family seated at tables with black linens.

Celebrate with a black and white wedding. Trending now! Black has been the IT color this year. From black wedding dresses to Black decor there are so many was to work this color scheme. We love the romantic look that Emerald At Queensridge put together with their vendor partners for this year's photoshoot. These amazing

The post Black and White Wedding Styled Shoot captured by LuxLife Las Vegas appeared first on Bridal Spectacular.



more info


02/14/2024
An Intimate Las Vegas Wedding Filled With Romance
JJ6A7490

Bridal Spectacular shares a intimate Las Vegas wedding captured by Iris Dee Photography. If you're dreaming of a romantic, candle-filled ceremony, adorned in twinkling lights you'll want to take the time to enjoy this special Las Vegas wedding. Iris, a Las Vegas based photographer, beautifully captures Diana and Benjamin's enchanting wedding at The Side Yard

The post An Intimate Las Vegas Wedding Filled With Romance appeared first on Bridal Spectacular.



more info


02/09/2024
Sunset Wedding Color Inspiration at JW Marriott Las Vegas Resort
TaylorJordanSneaks 149

Spectacular Weddings of Las Vegas features a Las Vegas wedding with sunset wedding color inspiration captured by Moxie Studio Photography. Do you want to create a romantic and dreamy atmosphere that will leave your guests in awe? Look no further! Sunset weddings are a timeless theme that never goes out of style.  Here, Taylor and

The post Sunset Wedding Color Inspiration at JW Marriott Las Vegas Resort appeared first on Bridal Spectacular.



more info


02/07/2024
A Sweet and Memorable Las Vegas Chapel Wedding
IMG 0010

Bridal Spectacular Shares A Memorable Las Vegas Chapel Wedding Captured by Iris Dee Photography. Just like Elvis Presley, we can't help falling in love with Charolette and Daniel's wedding at the Little Vegas Chapel. This adorable destination is known for its Elvis-themed weddings, where “The King” sings, dances, and performs the rites. In addition to

The post A Sweet and Memorable Las Vegas Chapel Wedding appeared first on Bridal Spectacular.



more info


02/02/2024
Breathtaking Las Vegas Lakeside Wedding Inspiration
MoxieStudio AdyJackSneaks 107

Bridal Spectacular shares Adyson and Jack's Las Vegas wedding by Moxie Studio Photography. Just imagine, a waterfront wedding surrounded by swaying palm trees and the gorgeous sunset in the background. Well, we are happy to share this beautiful Lake Las Vegas wedding location is right in your own wonderful city of Las Vegas! It all

The post Breathtaking Las Vegas Lakeside Wedding Inspiration appeared first on Bridal Spectacular.



more info


01/30/2024
Stunning bride and bridesmaids grace the new cover of Spectacular Weddings.
Mplace EmeraldatQR Spectacularweddings 481

In a 33 year first a bride and her bridesmaids are together on the cover of Spectacular Weddings of Las Vegas sponsored by Emerald at Queensridge! Congratulations to  M Place Productions for having their photo selected for the latest cover. Image was taken at our annual photoshoot which was sponsored by Emerald at Queensridge this

The post Stunning bride and bridesmaids grace the new cover of Spectacular Weddings. appeared first on Bridal Spectacular.



more info


01/25/2024
Wedding Packing Essentials: What Every Couple Needs
Woman packing suitcase for trip on bed, closeup

Wedding Packing Essentials: What Every Couple Needs In Their Wedding Travel Bag The excitement of an upcoming wedding and adventure-filled honeymoon can make packing feel daunting. Those embarking on destination vows must juggle unique needs, from protecting precious wedding attire to getting travel documents in order. When you've got so much to pack, where do

The post Wedding Packing Essentials: What Every Couple Needs appeared first on Bridal Spectacular.



more info



home | site map | contact us